The Big Toast With the right prodding, even the most mischievous best man can be saved from giving a mortifying speech. Delaware Today Bride, February 2004 A best man is half Secret Service agent and half master of ceremonies. During most of the big day he stays inconspicuous but at the ready, swiftly muting catastrophes as they arise. But for five minutes, he steps into the spotlight. Marc Henry, 21, of Media, Pa., served as the best man for his father's wedding three years ago. The reception was held at Three Little Bakers Dinner Theater in Wilmington. Henry stood in the lobby before dinner, still scribbling down some last-minute notes on a small piece of paper. He had done everything right: He worked on the speech beforehand, he consulted a trusted teacher for writing advice, and he decided to go with a tried-and-true traditional toast rather than an elaborate stage show. When the time came to deliver the speech, he raised his glass and gave the best man's toast — one of the wedding's most important speeches, aside from maybe "You may kiss the bride." He interspersed his own heartfelt words with famous quotes he had found while preparing the speech, and he kept it short — less than a minute — rather than risk speaking too long and losing the crowd's interest. His strategy paid off. "It went rather well," he says. "I was surprised." A speech with such high stakes, however, has the distinct possibility of going horribly, utterly wrong. Here's how a couple-to-be and the best man himself can ensure the speech will have them crying tears of joy ... rather than those other tears. ADVICE FOR BRIDES AND GROOMS: Give him resources. If you're worried that the best man might not have a clue how to deliver his speech, suggest some books on the subject. Try "The Best Man's Handbook" by Jim Grace (Running Press, 1999) or "The Complete Book of Wedding Toasts" by John McCluskey (Arden Book Company, 2000). You might even want to subtly stick a decorative bookmark into the page that says, "Do not, under any circumstances, get drunk." If he's still overwhelmed by the speech-writing task, recommend a professional. Ajay Segal, the founder and president of Washington, D.C.-based Great Wedding Toasts, offers custom-written best man speeches for about $120. The best man simply submits a questionnaire via the company's Web site (www.great-wedding-toasts.com), and receives a one- to five-minute speech within three days. The impending wedding toaster might also benefit from some public-speaking tips. A visit to a local Toastmasters session could help, says David Harrell, a Wilmington real-estate agent and a member of the Newark Area Toastmasters club. The members of this nonprofit public speaking group can give tips about delivery and content. Have your bridesmaids and groomsmen review. Offer your bridesmaids or groomsmen as a test audience for his speech. Chances are, he'll be grateful: It'll give him a chance to deliver it a few days ahead of time and get feedback from an audience who knows the couple. Plus, the other men and women in the wedding party will be able to report back to you about any objectionable moments. Warn sternly from both fronts. Brides, if the impending best man is known for off-color humor or if you suspect that he'll try to turn the toast into a roast, ask your husband-to-be to speak to him privately and clearly lay out your expectations. Then speak to him privately yourself. If he doesn't know you well, use it to your advantage and explain your expectations sternly — he may take the warning more seriously coming from you than from his best buddy. Segal says couples can ward off "unconventional" speeches by giving the best man concrete guidelines. "You want to make sure that [he's] sticking to a format," Segal says. (Better milquetoast than burnt toast.) He suggests giving the best man a checklist of topics or questions he should try to answer in his speech, like, "How did you first meet the groom?" or "What do you admire about the couple?" ADVICE FOR BEST MEN: There are four simple rules to delivering a best man's toast. Follow them and you're golden: The wedding guests will adore you. But break one of these rules and you might get cut out of the wedding pictures. Rule No. 1: Do not, under any circumstances, get drunk. At all. "Intoxicated toast-givers routinely manage to sabotage the performances they've worked so hard to prepare," Segal says. "You need to stick to the script you've prepared for yourself, and in order to do that, you've got to be sober." Rule No. 2: The Non-Disclosure Agreement: Never talk about the wild bachelor party, the groom's past girlfriends, or anything else that might humiliate the new couple in front of their families. "It seems quite strange that this is the category that best men think is really going to enhance their speech," Segal says. "In one recent order, the best man had requested to talk about a 'fling' that the groom had, and it wasn't clear to us that the bride even knew about it." Rule No. 3: Be mindful of children and grandparents present. No raunchy double-entendres, no filthy language. Rule No. 4: Follow the tried-and-true speaker's slogan, "Keep it Short and Simple." Here's a rule to gauge length: A toast should only go on as long as you'd feel comfortable holding up a Champagne glass with an outstretched arm. Three minutes works. Fifteen minutes does not. Shaun Gallagher is Delaware Today's managing editor.